Friday, 28 April 2017
DCC Campaign Update: "We Hope To Save At Least 70% of Morris' Ass"
The PCs ended last session having temporarily removed the Sky-Nazi menace, only to face a new cliffhanger as someone claiming to be Ack'basha the (very dead) Cleric has come out of a tear in space-time caused by the Dimension Bugs.
-"Right now, with Bill gone and Morris out of action, Heidi is our leader!"
"Yes, only by process of elimination though."
-"Grizlor, Grezlor and Grazlor have a lesser-known relative called G-Rizzlor, the black sheep of the family. He's the curator of the lesser known Lol City Museum of Rap Wizardry."
-Heidi and Tonut are having a barely-deserved break in the Dancing Harpy tavern, when a hysterical woman comes in. Her husband Sam was apparently taken by the Dimension Bugs.
"Take us to where this happened!"
"Are you some kind of heroes?"
"Well... some kind."
-"Sadly, this moment just now was the most typically heroic-fantasy scene this campaign has ever had!"
-The two "heroes" proceed to the woman's hovel.
"I push Heidi inside ahead of me with my mace."
-"Here's the slime trail he left when he was taken.. my Sam struggled with all his pseudopods but it was no good!"
"Wait.. your husband is some kind of slime-monster?"
-"Please tell me you can save my dear Sam!"
"We could tell you that, but it probably wouldn't be true."
-This "Ack'Basha" that appeared in front of Mu has apparently never even heard of Bill the Elf.
"Wait.. you don't mean Ted the Elf, do you?"
-"Have you seen someone named Morris?"
"Yes! He's currently recovering from a deprobing."
"What? Is he going to be alright?? What happened to him?!"
"This Ack'basha is disturbingly concerned about Morris..."
-In the high-council tower, Heidi spots the "viking wizard" Morris had mentioned, and plans to rat him out to the high council.
"Don't you know that snitches get stitches?"
"Yeah. Snitching on a Viking is probably not a good idea."
-"Roman, this is Ack'basha."
"...No he isn't!"
"Yes I am!"
-Roman theorizes that Ack'Basha is from an alternate timeline. This is bad, because it means time itself is collapsing.
-"Heidi, this is Ack'basha"
"No it's not."
"Yes I am!!"
-Morris is still recovering from his deprobing. Ack'basha insists on seeing him.
"That is NOT my Morris!"
"Yeah, he's from our timeline..."
"So wait, I'm in a fake timeline now?"
"Sirs, sorry to interrupt, but I thought you might want to know, the patient is stabilizing and we hope we'll manage to save at least 70% of Morris' ass."
-"Tonut, this is Ack'basha"
"...No it isn't!"
"Yes I am! Why does everyone keep saying that?"
-Another member of Ack'basha's team is found: Theobald the Ape-man Wizard!
-"Why are they so happy to see each other?"
"I think Ack'basha and Theobald get along. I think their whole party is cohesive and care about each other."
"That's so weird."
"I think I'm going to be sick."
"Yeah, that's bullshit! Where's the thinly-veiled contempt?!"
"Can you guys take me with you when you go back??"
-"You want to send out a bunch of apprentices to search for a 'better' version of Morris?"
"..Actually, we should have probably been trying to do that all along."
-Frijole the wizard also existed in the alternate timeline.
"Of course I've heard of Frijole. He was the famous creator of Frijole's Unfortunate Explosion!"
"And Frijole's Noxious Cloud!"
-Mu, who is still spellburned to be unable to say anything other than his name, is hijacked by a weird masked man who ties him up, and demands to be taken to Ack'basha.
"Don't move! Don't even breathe. Well, breathe a little."
"Don't make animal sounds! Good. My name is Chu the Unseen. You've probably never heard of me."
-Heidi, Tonut, Roman, Theobald and Ack'basha take note on the differences in the two timelines; apparently the point of divergence was the death of Bill the Elf and the survival of Ted the Elf (until Ack'basha killed Ted). The divergence means that G.O.D. was never restored, nor was he hijacked by Nikos and then Sezrekhan. Nor had Ack'basha ever heard of the Libram of the Ten Spheres; but now that he has, he's very interested.
-"So you guys never went to Minotauria?"
"Well, it's really called Tholia."
"Still no. Oh, we've been to Centauria!"
"It's not really called Centauria!"
-"Excuse me, someone infiltrated the library and took Mu hostage. They are a guy in a mask, and a techno-walrus."
"Ah! Those are our two team-mates! Chu the Unseen and Oswaldo the dim-witted Techno-walrus."
-"Should we untie Mu?"
"I don't see why."
-"What you people did to Mu is very wrong... you should always tie a wizard's hands BEHIND his back."
"He didn't look like enough of a threat for that."
-Oswaldo has another sphere from the Time Dinosaurs, like the one they had tried to give to Bill. The dinosaur hologram is unintelligible as always, except to Roman who for some reason seems to be able to understand Dinosaur.
"You're supposed to go to a place called the Maze of Corners, and restore a device that will heal the time rifts and banish the Dimension Bugs."
-Mu, pissed off at everyone else and wanting nothing to do with the quest, heads back to the library, his hands still tied. Along the way he's mugged; the muggers tie up his legs, and he crawls the rest of the way to the library. He's then humiliated by a pageboy, who then threatens him not to tell Grezlor.
"Snitches get stitches!"
-Heidi snitches on the Viking Wizard to Grizlor.
"Heidi here said you're a looter..."
"Actually, Morris told me."
"So it was Morris who snitched! And where's Morris now?"
-"Heidi, you did the right thing there. I'm disgusted with you."
-When the whole gang heads to the Dancing Harpy, they finally find the last member of the alternate-timeline party: Morris. Cool guy Morris. Charismatic and quick-witted Morris. Every woman swoons over him and every man wants to be him. Minds snap.
-"I'm sorry it's.. it's just so different."
"Your Morris is different?"
"Special like in the way that Oswaldo is kind of 'special'?"
"Well, also that kind of special, yes."
-After an insane night of drinking and watching alt-timeline Morris be incredibly cool, Heidi wakes up the next morning with a killer hangover, in a bed with the tavern owner, the tavern owner's attractive wife, and Morris!
-"You know, this Morris is just TOO awesome. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd rather have the other Morris."
"I guess we'll have to ask Heidi who he'd rather have, now."
-Tonut wakes up, with a killer hangover, in the monkey cage in the market, with Oswaldo next to him. He vaguely recalls Heidi losing them in a bet. He also very vaguely recalls Oswaldo asking him a bunch of strange questions about Bill the Elf.
"Oswaldo, you're not as dumb as you look, are you?"
"I'm real smartie!"
"Hey, don't worry man, whatever your secret is, I won't tell."
"That's good because snitches get stitches."
-The PCs, being complete assholes, insist on showing Cool Morris the regular crappy-timeline Morris.
"I... my god... I don't know if I want to try to help him, or just smother him to death!"
"He's even worse when he's conscious."
"The good news is that they should restore function to at least 70% of his ass!"
"I guess we should accept it. We really are the Darkest Timeline."
-Thanks to Grizlor's research, the team learns how to get to the Maze of Corners. They have to go through the Gate of Secrets. They get a shuttle and of course Cool Morris is a crack pilot.
"Wait.. if we're the real timeline, and Morris vanishes when we fix all this, how will we get back? None of us can pilot the ship!"
"Honestly, let's hope we're not the real ones."
-It turns out that the Gate of Secrets requires that you reveal a secret to cross through. Tonut reveals that he hears strange whisperings in his head about Ekim's Mystical Mask. Heidi reveals that he wishes he could have violated the dead sky-nazi.
-The party enters the maze of corners, encountering a large gelatinous cube.
"I shoot it!"
"Does the cube have anything inside it?"
"Just a bullet."
-"I will start using Second Sight now, to guide us through the maze."
"I had thought of getting locate object, but it's fairly pointless with you on our team, Ack'basha."
"When I was younger, I thought I could control ants. Then I realized they were controlling me!"
-The party encounters, along the way, some more Dimension Bugs, a dead Fishman (possibly from yet another alternate timeline) with a vial of poison, and a cool-looking spear hidden under a pile of garbage.
-"I'm a pretty shitty wizard."
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Mu. You can be anything you set your mind to!"
"I really don't like you, Cool Morris."
-They find the room with the device. With the room seemingly empty, Chu the Unseen goes in first to check for traps. Just as he says it's all clear, two gigantic pincers reach down from the ceiling and attack him!
-Mu ends up saving the day, by emptying his whole AK-47 into the Dimension Bug Queen.
"See, Mu? I told you that you could do it!"
"Stop annoying me, Cool Morris!"
-"The real lesson of this session is that we should learn to appreciate our Morris for what he is: a fucking disaster."
-Ack'Basha and Heidi activate the machine at the same time. Space-time is repaired, and Ack'basha and his team vanish.
"Great, now how the fuck do we get out of here?"
-The Time Dinosaurs show up, and rescue the PCs. Unfortunately, instead of dropping them off in Lol, they drop them off in an office building somewhere else.
"Who the hell are you people?"
"Who are you? And where am I?"
"I'm City Officer Swanlee, and you're in Highbay."
And on that bombshell, we leave you for today. Stay tuned for more good fun in our next report!
Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + H&H's Chestnut