Sunday, 27 November 2016
DCC Campaign Update: Into The Shithole!
When last we saw our stalwart PCs, they were being hunted by both the Minotaurs and a Fire Vampire. Or, more accurately, Bill the Elf was being hunted by both of these, and everyone else was being killed as innocent bystanders.
-"Hey Elsa, want to worship G.O.D.?"
"No. G.O.D. will be no help here. Only shovel is needed."
-"Why not get G.O.D. and a shovel?"
"Adding G.O.D. as a superflous factor to an already complete formula does not justify G.O.D. existence!"
-"We should go to the Azure Tower. I have to make peace with the Azure Order, and then they'll help me."
"They won't help me! Those freak-wizards will all be like 'no you shouldn't make Priscilla queen of the Grey Lands again, she's too attractive!'"
-"we don't really need to help Priscilla."
"Fuck you, cleric! You guys, that cleric is a total perv! He tried to touch me in the rectory!"
"I did not!"
"yeah you did! And you probably have gonorrhea!"
-"Maybe we can find Morris. Priscilla, you'd probably like Morris."
"Is he rugged?"
"Not really. More like Creepy."
"So he's a cleric?"
-"Wally, you and Yarr should go back to Gaga. And take Priscilla with you, take her to Harembe."
"Is this Harembe rugged?"
"Actually.. yeah, probably."
-"We'll meet with Queen Zoey."
"She'll have to welcome me, because we're both beautiful princesses!"
-It was thus decided: half the party (the ones who didn't show up to this session) would return to Gaga with Wally the Airedale Terrier, and take Priscilla the grey-alien-chav with them to keep her out of trouble. Meanwhile, Bill and Shebubu would teleport to the Azure Tower to try to convince the Azure Wizards not to kill Bill and to help them with the Fire Vampire. And Elsa will probably go off hunting vampires on her own.
-Unfortunately, Bill fumbles his Planar Step spell-check, and Sezrekhan hijacks his trip. Bill is told by a clearly-more-insane-than-usual Sezrekhan that he has to find the High Council of Wizards and destroy them. Unfortunately, Sezrekhan doesn't know where their secret headquarters are found, but he has discovered that there's apparently a way to get to them, in the worst region of the entire world of the Last Sun... a place called "The Shithole".
-"Maybe it's not such a bad place, it just has an unfortunate name?"
"I doubt it."
-"Bill and Shebubu find themselves on a mountain overlooking a vast area of badlands, cracked earth, where almost nothing seems to grow."
"We might be in Australia."
-Meanwhile, Morris is in Gaga. He's been imprisoned as his excessive Creepiness has led him to go over the legal limit of his likes/dislikes ratio on Coolland's social media. Coolland's dungeons are full of people: creeps like Morris, but also ugly people, weird people, very old people, people who are depressed in uncool ways, and almost anyone else who isn't young and hip and chipper.
"And there it is! The Dystopian side of Coolland! I knew it was too nice to be true!"
-Jalludin the Rogue suddenly sneaks into Morris' cell, apparently right out of a shadowy corner! He tells Morris that he needs to tell Bill that Sezrekhan has gone completely insane, and has to be stopped. Jalludin wants Bill's help.
"But how can I even get to Bill?"
"I'm going to stab you with the Dagger of Teleportation. It'll send you to him."
"Ok. Wait.. what do you mean the Dagger of--ARGHH!!"
-Morris suddenly appears, with a nasty stabbing injury, near to Bill and Shebubu, on the mountainside.
He barely manages to avoid plunging to his doom.
"The dagger isn't even very accurate!"
-"What the fuck happened to you?"
"I got stabbed!"
"You deserve everything that happens to you."
-Suddenly, a Minotaur appears on the mountainside, right near Bill.
"See? THAT'S accurate teleportation!"
-Bill shoots a magic missile at the minotaur, doing only 1hp damage, and slips off into the Neutral Zone. While there, he sees this great column of shadow off in the far distance, somewhere in the badlands of the Shithole.
"So, I can see it only here? Not in the, er, Normal Zone?"
"Oh please, like Bill is ever in the Normal Zone."
-Since Shebubu and Morris didn't actually attack the Minotaur, he doesn't attack them either. He's just furiously looking for the missing Bill. After they assure him they also hate Bill, he even talks with them. When they mention that the area below is The Shithole, the Minotaur explains that they're in the Southern Continent (somewhere to the south of Tholia), and that the Shithole, according to legend, is the place where the Dark Ones first broke out onto the surface world during the great disaster. According to legend, the center of the Shithole is the exact place where the Dark Ones emerged; and it is surrounded by three damned cities, two of which are in ruins.
"And the third?"
"It is a terrible city, known as Tijuana. The shittiest place on Earth."
-"These mountains, do they surround all of the Shithole?"
"Yes, they are probably artificial, created by great magic to try to hold back the Dark Ones."
"So... someone built a wall?"
-Bill comes back from the Neutral Zone and immediately kills the Minotaur.
-Morris reluctantly converts to G.O.D. so that Shebubu will heal him, but only after Bill convinces him.
"See, Shebubu? Even I'm better than you at your job."
-"Bill, Jalludin told me that Sezrekhan is crazy!"
"That's probably just because he's all jealous that I'm Sezrekhan's favorite now."
-"So wait, Jalludin 'stabbyported' you here?"
-Bill tells Morris (who was formerly a terrorist) about Priscilla apparently having a huge bomb.
"Morris gets aroused."
-"So this place is called the Shithole."
"Yup, and Bill's here. We're in a Shithole with an asshole!"
-The PCs half-reluctantly make their way down into the Shithole. Soon after, Morris feels something trembling under the ground.
"Oh shit guys, I think this is some kind of Tremors-type situation here!"
"I'm screaming very quietly."
"Awesome movie, though."
-Not wanting to know what's down there, the party takes to traveling by Levitation spells in one-hour bursts.
-That night, they rest with the protection of a Sequester spell. Some extremely primitive-looking mutants come charging at them and all immolate themselves.
-Continuing the next day, still floating along on a Levitation platform, the party (who were slightly unprepared for all this, missing a few minor supplies like WATER) spot a walled tropical garden in the middle of the cracked barren desert.
"Oh, that's not suspicious at all!"
-Morris climbs into the garden.
"Hey Morris, if all is clear, make a bird noise for us."
Morris then roots around the garden for a while, then comes back into the clearing and literally does this:
-"Why didn't you just say 'all clear'?"
"I don't know..."
-"Let's all go in. Morris goes first."
"I chose the wrong party."
"Too late, ese."
-The garden turns out to have spores that cause very slow-acting toxic poisoning. By the time they get to the pool in the middle of the garden, saving throws are required. Bill passes out, but fortunately the other two manage to stay conscious, and for some reason drag him back out.
"We still need water."
"It's ok. I have an idea. Plants burn, right? And water won't."
-One hour and a Control Fire spell later, they've killed everything that lives in the garden, and get some water. Which is great, for now, but then they realize they have no waterskins, bottles, or any container of any kind other than a single small scroll-tube.
-In any case, Shebubu gets disapproval for the fifth time that day, and has to pray for 24 hours. They decide to camp out there.
"What do we do while we wait for the cleric?"
"While I was looking for waterskins, I found this old card game: Cards Against Chumanity!"
"Ok, let's play."
-Some time later, Bill and Morris spot a large lumpy purple-furred monster climbing over the garden wall. He looks a bit like this (only a cyclops):
"I am Shlub!!"
-"who did all this burning?"
Bill elbows Morris, who raises his hand "um.. me!"
"Who are you?"
"Morris the Creephole."
"You must be mighty wizard!"
"Well... I'm mighty in some ways..."
"Shlub seeks great wizard to serve. Shlub will serve you, Morris Creephole!"
-"Fuck it, it was me. I'm Bill the Elf."
"Prove you Bill!"
Bill casts Cantrip. "that was only moderately mighty."
Bill casts Choking Cloud. "Shlub will trust for now."
-The party gets ready to move on, now joined by Shlub.
"Shlub, you managed to drink an awful lot of water."
"Shlub has a water sack"
"Where? You're naked!"
"He's like a camel!"
-"Are all the people who live in the hills we're headed to large and naked like you?"
"No, some are small and naked, like you, but naked!"
-"Hey Shlub, can I ride on your shoulders?"
"...if you must, mighty wizard."
-Shebubu gets yet another disapproval!
"What did you do to G.O.D., dude??"
-Bill tries to contact Sezrekhan in the hopes of getting some more information about where the hell the way to the Wizards' Council is.
"BEEP BOOP BOOP: The Daemon you are attempting to reach --- is out of range --- please try to invoke again later"
-Bill fails his Sequester spell with a patron taint, and carves a third eye onto his forehead with a dagger.
"Oooh.. you ARE mighty wizard!"
-After some more marching, the PCs are running low on water again.
"Can you share your water from your water-sack, Shlub?"
"Shlub not see how."
"well... maybe the next time he has to pee he can do it in a cup.."
"Fuck's sake Morris!"
"Shlub could do that. Does Morris Creephole have cup?"
"....god damn it."
-Suddenly, the party crosses paths with a group of hideous tentacle monsters!
"They are Yithi"
"What the fuck?"
"They say they are looking for library. Also, Yithi are real assholes!"
"How do you know that?"
"They speak shoggoth. Shlub speak shoggoth"
"You speak shoggoth?? Do you know my friend Bob Shoggoth?"
"Just because Shlub speak shoggoth not mean Shlub knows EVERY shoggoth!"
-It turns out the library is in an underground cave, which Shlub knows to be full of poisonous slime. So the party does the obvious thing: lead the Yithi all in there, and then Ward Portal the only exit.
-That night, the party is attacked by a group of mutants dressed in rags, who also die horribly immolated by Bill's Sequester.
-"have you guys noticed its been days and days since we saw a Minotaur?"
"The Shithole must have some weird effect that blocks teleportation. That's also probably why Sezrekhan, and Jalludin, teleported us only to the edge of the Shithole. And why I wasn't able to Invoke Sezrekhan!"
"Is that also why the cleric keeps getting Disapproval?"
"No, that's just because G.O.D. hates me."
"You're just like the Fishman!"
"No. He was useless. Shebubu is just incompetent. He could theoretically be useful, if he didn't suck."
-The party is attacked by a giant feathered insect-creature! The Cleric gets massive disapproval AGAIN, and Bill casts magic missile and then disappears.
"Where has the mighty wizard gone???" Shlub refuses to do anything without Bill there to give him orders.
The party looks in serious trouble, until Bill reappears from the Neutral Zone.
-After an encounter with some phosphorescent green mutants, the PCs make their way to a town not far from a large lake. Water at last. The town has some more of the aforementioned mutants, who want to capture the PCs as slaves. But when the PCs make short work of them, their Chieftainess comes out, a large tough warrior-woman. Even so, Bill convinces her that they're better off trading with them.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Shebubu the mighty... no wait, Shebubu the inconsistent."
-This village is apparently a subsidiary town of a small kingdom rules by a mighty sorceress called the Queen of the Lake.
"is the lake queen hot?"
"She is dark and terrible!"
"So, is that a yes?"
-After obtaining a lighter from them (whose 'magic' impresses these barbarians mightily), the Chieftainess agrees to escort the PCs to the town of the Queen of the Lake.
-Along the way, the party encounters a colossal swamp worm! Bill casts magic missile, almost killing the worm, and vanishes to the Neutral Zone. This makes Shlub panic again.
"The wizard is gone? Where did wizard go???"
"Shlub isn't very smart."
"well, he is with us, after all."
-The barbarian chieftainess, who is a highly skilled fighter, finishes off the worm.
-they arrive at the 'capital' of this little feifdom, which is also a shitty mud-hut village only twice as large as the other one. There, they are brought before the Queen of the Lake. She's a very hot phosphorescent green mutant sorceress. She recognizes Bill as a mighty wizard, and agrees to exchange some of her many potions for some of bill's extra scrolls. She also agrees to tell Bill what she knows of the High Council of Wizards, if he'll sleep with her.
"Yes. You and I are both great wizards. Thus, our child will be a destined super-wizard that will conquer all before him!"
-After their tryst, the Queen explains to Bill that many wizards have come from the 'outer lands' to the Shithole, seeking the Council of Wizards. Some of them had told her that crossing through the Shithole was a quest, and that the way to the Wizards' Council was found in a place in the absolute center of the Shithole. In the place where the Dark Ones first emerged unto the surface world and brought darkness in the great disaster. This place is known to locals as "The Sphincter".
-"You should not seek the Sphincter, Bill. It is certain death!"
"I've been through certain death before. I always come back anyways."
-The party decides to stay in the Lake Queen's village to rest. While they're partying with the barbarians, Shebubu decides to do a Detect Evil on Shlub, and notes that he detects as Evil.
"So that means Shlub is either not as dumb as he appears and he's something terrible..."
"Or maybe he's just too dumb to know he's evil?"
That's all for this session. Next time, presumably, the party will continue along their route to The Sphincter!
Currently Smoking: Blatter Diplomat + C&D's Crowley's Best