Sunday, 15 May 2016
DCC Campaign Update: What we Need to go get are Some Cows in Heat
Today's adventure began with the PCs still in Highbay, still encountering apparently random attacks of Minotaurs from an unknown wizard, and planning not so much on how to deal with it but on whether they want to deal with it or just use this to farm XP.
-"Is there a body of water in this town?"
"Well, it is called HighBAY"
-"I'm not under threat from these attacks, but I'm going stand with the rest of you guys."
"...for the XP, right?"
-Sezrekhan interrupts Bill the Elf's spellcasting to tell him that he must immediately go into the badlands to recover an ultra-powerful book of magic known as the "Libram of the Ten Spheres". Whoever has it in their possession, and can survive its super-dangerous ark-of-the-covenant-style effects, can use it to reach any of the higher planes, including the Crown of Creation. Just to make sure Bill doesn't fuck around, Sezrekhan puts him under a Geas.
-"My friends, this book sounds to me like it was a daemonic book of evil!"
"Oh shit, it's this asshole again! I forgot we still had Zeke Bodean with us!"
-"I hit Zeke with my staff"
"Does your staff do something special, like Bill's Primo Staff?"
"So.. you're just violently beating him?"
-"We could go get this book, but for G.O.D. instead of Sezrekhan!"
"G.O.D. is pretty much under Nikos' control right now."
"He pretty much IS Nikos right now!"
"Yes, but when I says G.O.D. I actually mean us. You know, for G.O.D."
"Right, and when he says 'us', he really means himself. You know, FOR 'us'"
-"Whoops, it's Minotaur-o-Clock again!"
"Let's go kill it..."
"Right you are guys. I'll just be right here in the corner absorbing XP."
-"You did not hit Chu."
"Chu did not hit?"
"Fuck chu! Fuck Chu all!"
"Are Chu done yet?"
-At this point, Chu the Warrior has become a truly bizarre hybrid between a certain idiotic regressive leftist, and a certain cast member from The Community.
-Trying to be helpful in the fight against the latest Minotaur, the Fishman tries to cast like five spells in a row, failing at all of them. Finally, he succeeds at Spider Climb, which he uses to scurry onto the ceiling. Once the battle is over, Ack'basha grabs a broom to swat him back down.
-"Here, my followers, use this statuette of Bill the Elf, put it in the far corner as a symbol of pure evil. On every holy day throw stones at the statue."
"Hey! I'm right here!"
"Yeah, Ack'basha. I'm not entirely sure but there's a slight chance Bill might have real feelings, and if so, that was potentially mean."
"Come on, it's funny!"
"Well, yeah, it is funny!"
-The next day the Fishman heads off in search of some armor to buy, and someone someone he can sell a bag of heroin that had come into his possession. He gets the former going easily enough, but for the latter he's directed to a place called 'the factory', over on 5th and Gygax St.
-Once there, he finds that its a warehouse converted into a weird nightclub full of demented freaks. Lots of people dressed in black, strange music and lights, a whole series of technicolor prints of a portrait of BOLT-0 on one wall.
-The whole thing is run by a guy called 'the director', who is surrounded by fawning degenerate sycophants. He immediately agrees to buy the heroin if the Fishman will pose bare-chested for a black and white short film.
"Oh you're absolutely hideous! It's really fantastic"
-"Ok... I'm getting out of this weird weird place and will never speak of this again."
-When the party meets up with BOLT-0 to learn more about the Libram of the Ten Spheres, they find out that it apparently originated from the sunken lost city of Atlantida.
(the joke being that "Atlantida" is a coastal town here in Uruguay)
-"QUERY: ARE YOU SEEKING THIS BOOK FOR SEZREKHAN OUT OF LOYALTY TO HIM, OR BECAUSE HE HAS FUCKED YOU UP IN SOME WAY?"
"When was it ever the first??"
"Dude, you get that you're basically his abused spouse at this point?"
"Yeah, but you don't know the whole story... I've done bad things too, it's not his fault, I deserve it!"
-"We want to have the book to contact G.O.D.!"
"BOLT-0 THINKS THAT IS ALSO A STUPID IDEA"
"What we should do is destroy it!"
"BOLT-O THINKS WE SHOULDN'T BE HASTY ABOUT THAT EITHER!"
"I suppose you think we should give the book to you?"
"BOLT-0 WOULD BE WILLING TO HOLD THE BOOK FOR SAFEKEEPING"
"Wait, would you even be able to read it?"
"BOLT-0 IS NOT SURE BUT BOLT-0 WOULD DAMN WELL TRY"
-"Ok, you guys, I have a plan to deal with the Minotaur issue. What we need to do is go get some cows in heat.."
"MINOTAURS ARE NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO COWS"
-"Um... Bolt-0.. I went to this.. place, it had pictures of you on the wall. It was full of really weird people. What do you have to do with them?"
"WEIRD PEOPLE COULD REFER TO ANY NUMBER OF BOLT-O'S ASSOCIATES"
"Well, like.. there was this lizard guy with a beret and a cigarette holder.. and an obese gold mutant who'd painted his skin silver..."
"THIS COULD STILL REFER TO ANY NUMBER OF BOLT-O'S ASSOCIATES"
-The team decides that to deal with the daily minotaur attacks during their trip to the badlands, they're going to get some supplies.
"No, there are no such thing as 'Armored Carts'".
-They settle for attaching a bunch of spears to a cart, and decide to hire some mercenaries. Eventually, they get a bunch of Dutch Crossbowmen for some reason.
"Ya, we are Dutch crossbowmen.. isn't that weird?"
-On the trip, they of course encounter a number of Minotaur attacks. Plus one very confused Ogre who seemed to have been teleported by accident. The Ogre, unlike the Minotaurs, is not enraged or interested in attacking the PCs.
"Look, I just want to get back to my wife and kids. We were all vacationing together."
"Out of curiosity, was it in a Minotaur city?"
"THAT IS NOT A REAL PLACE!"
-They consider inviting the Ogre to join them, but when he realizes who they actually are, he runs like hell.
-"So are you guys just going to sleep through the night and let the mercenaries stand guard?"
"Well, inasmuch as possible given how many Dutch people are around"
-"Bill the Elf is taking a personal interest in making sure things are weird enough for the Dutchmen!"
-To everyone's surprise, the spear-lined cart works on at least one minotaur, who charges right at the cart and ends up impaling himself.
That's where we stopped for the night; the PCs are just about where Sezrekhan said they had to go, and are ready to try to find the Libram of the Ten Spheres. As usual, just about everyone in the party has their own competing agenda about why they want it and how they plan to double-cross everyone else to get it. We'll see how it goes down. Probably hilariously.
Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Oversize + H&H's Beverwyck