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Saturday, 21 January 2017

DCC Campaign Backstage Chatlog: Volume 25, part 3




Pundit: Well, once again almost everyone died. But now there's a Bazooka-guy.
Sunrise, Sunset.


Morris: HAHAHA
AND NOW THERE IS NO MORRIS TO BLAME!


Bill: It's still your fault.

Muu: Yeah, not being here is kinda your fault : o

Morris: Can you tell me what happened?

Pundit: Sabre-toothed Giant Weasels.

Bazooka Arnok: The deadliest predator of the Shithole.
At least until Bazooka Arnok appeared.

Heidi: now that Bazooka Arnok appeared, once the weasels kill him we will have Bazooka Weasels
since he is green and has tusk, I guess the sadistic hunter would be something like this:

And Morris is now a sinless baby compared to the new guys




Pundit: This party became a gang of insane psychopaths so gradually that it seemed totally natural.But the latest jump is jarring. It's like a group of mobsters, getting into bigger crimes, making themselves more imposing bit by bit, taking over the underworld...and then the Joker shows up.

Bill: It gets so bad that Bill becomes the voice of reason
But then says he will have to up his game to keep up with these new guys

Muu: The real question is will Bill be able to make the shithole worse, or the shithole characters will make it worse all by themselves.
Or will it be the otherway making Bill someone worse.

Bill: All can be at the same time, add hemorrhoids to the shithole, make it a worse place, make bill worse and make the new guys horrible
The shithole is a place of opportunities

Muu: You don't get to the shithole, the shithole gets to you.

Bazooka Arnok: Remember when we were the good guys?
Yeah, me neither.
But I'm pretty sure every time we die, we come back worse.


Muu: We come back worse or incompetent

Bill: That would explain bill

Bazooka Arnok: Nothing would explain Bill.
Bill defies explanation.


Bill: Bill is on a spirit walk through the shithole, being an asshole, travelling to the sphincter

Bazooka Arnok: A walkabout.
Basically you want to find yourself, and what better place than the Shithole for it?

Bill: That

Muu: One mistake on the DCC recap, It was Heidi who is a pacifist who wanted to escape the party.

Pundit: Heidi is the pacifist?? So wait, who's the barbarian?
the red mutant
And was it heidi and not the halfling who used the teleporter? Or did they both?

Muu: I only remember that Heidi was the one with the red wizard, I do think that both of them used it too.

Heidi: both used the teleporter
the hunter is the only one who stayed out
I don't remember the name of the hunter

Pundit: Ah, OK. I'll try to edit it.
It would have been way more funny if the sadistic hunter guy was named "heidi".
So, is everyone missing DCC already?

Heidi: It doesnt matter if we miss it or not. There is no escape

Bill: We all are.

Bazooka Arnok: D..CC? What is that?
I have...memories...
Suppressed ones...
No...NO NO!
EVERYTHING IS COMING BACK!
THE HORROR! THE HORROR!


Pundit: Hope you're having a good time over in Europe with all the Euro-trash!

Bill: So far so good.

Pundit: Oh man!

Bill: Akbasha must have poisoned those dished, I feel like death is slowly taking hold of my guts

Pundit: dubious shellfish! sounds more like the sort of thing Jal'udin would do.

Bazooka Arnok:
Be careful. That's how Chu died.
By eating some bad fish.


Muu: Bullshit demon poison, never eat demon fish.

Pundit: You better be careful, Bill. Did you hear about that Italian chef who died??
He pasta way.

Muu: I believe that you need to be a father to tell terrible dad jokes.

Bill: I guess I have good fortitude, I'm back at full HP

Pundit: Good! We need you in good health if you're to come join us this Sunday.


Bazooka Arnok: Bill can't handle his way out of a wet paper bag without murdering the bag's family.

Bill:
So
I don't see what that has to do with knowing and going bananas
Look a Nikos, he is just fine

Bazooka Arnok: Bill and Handling Things are antonyms.
Last time Bill tried to handle something, everything and everyone went to shit.
LITERALLY.
WE'RE IN THE FUCKING SHITHOLE BECAUSE OF BILL!

Bill: Bill just need to buy a handle and put it on or in things
Well, your previous dead PC were, the new ones are natives
So technically not Bill's fault

Bazooka Arnok:
I can't wait to see how that fails in the most spectacular and destructive fashion possible.

Bill: Morris can never blame anyone, he likes it here
We are in the SH, things can only get worse if I mess up a control fire


Bazooka Arnok: There's a whole body of laws forbidding the things Morris likes.
Which you will. Soon

Bill: Add a creature of the void to the shithole and it's like a crapper with additional hemorroids
It's only a question of when, not if

Bazooka Arnok: Thank you for the lovely mental image.

Bill: Muajajajaja
Anytime


Heidi: Plot twist. Time dinosaura took bill back to before the dark ones attacked. He tried to cast control fire for something and opened a portal that allowed the dark ones into this world.

Bill: DUN DUN DUN!! Mark shamilalamamamalalalalan plot

Heidi: Bill is the beginning of the end

Bazooka Arnok: I personally blame Ackbasha.

Muu: I blame Chu. Only because.

Bazooka Arnok: Nah. Chu wasn't that relevant.

Bill: Bill is a paradox?

Bazooka Arnok: Depends.
Are paradoxes assholes?
If so, then yes

Pundit: Is this the Equestrian?


Heidi: yesterday in my job I received a call and after introducing myself the girl on the other side said: "Hello, may I speak to Morris?"

Morris: HAHAHAHAHHA
It's one of my fans...

Heidi: and normally I would think "I don't know who the fuck morris is, there are thousands of people working here", but since she said Morris and not other name I thought "Why would someone want to speak to Morris?"

Morris: HAHAHAHA That's a valid question

Bill: You see, it's permeating into this realm

Bazooka Arnok: Does that mean that anytime now minotaurs will start appearing?
Because considering the price of beef, I'd be really ok with that happening.

Heidi: we are out of the spell range, they have to teleport all the way from Minotauria

Bazooka Arnok: We're in the shithole then

Bill: If we were in Venezuela, that would apply.


***

That's it for now, stay tuned for the long-awaited new DCC Campaign Update very soon! 


RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Missouri Meerschaum + Stockebbye's Bull's Eye Flake


Friday, 20 January 2017

Trump's Wailing Protesters Gave Me SchadenWood

The day has come, in spite of Rosie O'Donnell calling for martial law and CNN expressing open fantasies about an assassin murdering Trump and Pence so that Obama or someone from his administration could stay instead.

Attention American ctrl-left cunts: DONALD TRUMP IS YOUR PRESIDENT NOW.
There is no escape.
He is what you get for a decade of being totalitarian motherfuckers who treated our civilization with contempt, ordinary people with disdain, and freedom of speech as the enemy.

To quote my friend Allum Bokhari: Donald Trump is president now. And to think, all this could have been avoided with a bit more ethics in game journalism.




So naturally, today is the peak day of Schadenfreude.

YOU FUCKERS LOST.
You've lost everything now. You don't get to be in charge anymore. People like ME are in charge. Yes, that's right, be scared. Because I'm going to do the most terrible thing you could imagine to you: I'm going to laugh at you and belittle you and say mean things to you, and I'm going to make other people more free.


Donald Trump's victory is more than anything a massive Fuck You to the ctrl-left. The same gang of shitsucking meatsacks who were calling for the extinction of white people, or how Hillary should use executive power to arrest anyone who disagreed with feminists on the internet, or how government should force private businesses to hire 50% minorities, right up to the day of the Election.
And also the same gang of shitsucking meatsacks who wanted to control language, censor games, and blacklist game designers who dared to defy them in the tabletop RPG hobby.

You're done now, cunts.

The Age of Political Incorrectness is here now. Your bleating about triggers and micro-aggressions are irrelevant now, you gang of fucking pussies.

But I promise, you can still cry all you like about how offended you feel. Please cry. It gives me wood every time you cry.



Please make our memes come to life like this. I swear I got so hard on Schadenfreude alone when I saw this. This retarded imbecile of a woman wailing like a savage animal in her despair at not getting to control our lives.
Delicious.

I want to see you all wail with tears at how you don't get your way, like the moral toddlers you are. Please wail and scream and shout at our victory, because now you can't threaten us or make us afraid if we defy you anymore. We've taken away all your toys. You don't get to control what others do or what others say or what others can read or play or how others think.

We won. And we set everyone free.

So go fuck yourselves.


Thursday, 19 January 2017

Cam Banks: Stop Pussyfooting and Implement the Final Solution

So over in this post, Cam Banks has stated that he will not hire straight white men for his next RPG project.

You might not be able to read that link, it's ok. I can't either. If you can't read it, it proves your sufficiently public in your freethinking to be dangerous enough for the Ctrl-Left to want to stop you from seeing what they're doing.

Luckily, I have people everywhere. Here's a part of what he wrote:

"So if you are or you know women, PoC, LGBTQ/NB folk, designers and writers who have loved or still love Marvel Heroic, Leverage, Smallville, or Firefly, and you think they or you can handle my laid-back Kiwi management style and produce rock-solid shit-hot awesome work for me on a not-terrible schedule, let me know.

Drop me an email at seth@magic-vacuum.com with your enthusiastic vision. I want to help you help me make it happen.
"

He said we should feel free to share it, so I'm sure he'd have no problem with the information being reposted here. 

Cam Banks' ideological vision, in that article titled "Aggressive Inclusivity", is very clear.  But he's also a massive pussy. 
If the point of "Aggressive Inclusivity" is "get all the white straight males out of the industry", then why is the BOSS still a straight white male, Cam??

I challenge you, Cam: If you really believe the Ctrl-left attitude about how straight white males need to become extinct, because "straight white men are a big problem", then why the fuck do you still get to be in the RPG hobby? Worse still, why do you, the Straight White Man, get to be the one who is still IN CHARGE?

Do you believe that all those poor women/PoC/LGBTQIAN-BC are incapable of doing what you did and building up a business for themselves and becoming successful game designers on their own? If so, then surely you don't think it's because they're inherently inferior in some way, do you? Because really, that would mean you're a massive sick piece of shit, if that's what you believed.

I'll be kind and assume you do not just believe yourself superior to helpless minorities who you imagine would starve to death and creatively flounder without your guidance. If so, then if you believe these minorities are incapable of building up a business and becoming successful game designers on their own, it is surely because of the systemic injustice of Straight White Men LIKE YOU being the BOSS, being at the top, not giving room for anyone else to get into positions of real authority.

And here you are, asking women, people of color, and sexual minorities to be your wage slaves. You're pretending to pander to them without giving them any of the real power!  Jeez, Lena Dunham was right! What a SWM piece of shit you are.

If you really believe in the cause, rather than just wanting to profit off it like far too many evil white men do, and if you want to prove you're not a massive fucking hypocrite who's only in this to satisfy a smug liberal sense of self-superiority while patronizing and taking advantage of people you are only pretending you feel are equal to you, there's only one answer: you must step out of the fucking way. If you really believe in The Revolution, you must purify yourself and Quit The Hobby FOREVER. 

If not, you're just a cunt.


And hey, once you do quit the hobby forever, you should probably, if you REALLY REALLY believe in the claims of the ctrl-left version of 'social justice', go ahead and likewise resign from being alive. You know, because "straight white men are a huge problem" and they need to go and all that. 

Show us you're serious. Do it. Be a shining example to us all.  Make me eat my words and prove you're not just a smarmy self-serving hypocritical little cunt using race/gender/sexuality-baiting for cheap propagandistic purposes. Eliminate yourself for the cause, and I will apologize for calling you the hypocrite I clearly think you are right now, and you will be praised as a hero of the movement. 

Do it. 


RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Volcano + H&H's Chestnut 

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Classic Rant: How Complicated is DCC?

So I had recently reposted, to theRPGsite, the review I did of the Dungeon Crawl Classics RPG. At the time of writing the review I had not yet played the game; but I had prophetically stated that I had no doubt I would. Since that time these past 9 months or so we've been running an English-language DCC game that has been very successful, and that frequent readers get some updates about.

I've heard some people comment, both in these recent conversations and in general, that DCC is very "Complicated". But I have to say that if anything, from the time of my original review to now, my opinion after actually playing is that the game is far less complicated than I expected. The various mechanics present in DCC but absent in regular D&D (eg. spell checks, criticals, fumbles, a few other things) do not excessively slow down play. The funny dice (ie. d5, d7, d14, d16, d24) are actually much less intrusive or even essential than they appear.

The two most typical complaints I've seen have been about needing to get the dice, and about having to look up tables. I would respond by saying that technically, you could play DCC without the fancy dice; I know this because I ran DCC for several sessions before I got my special gamescience dice and about 95% of the time there was no significant disruption. When there was some situation that demanded a non-standard-D&D die, there were many possible quick fixes.

As for tables, this is perhaps slightly more legitimate, but really there are only a few tables one looks up more often than in D&D. I mean first of all, let's be honest here: I'm also running Lamentations of the Flame Princess, and I have to pause to look up stuff there too (mostly spell info my players were too lazy to write down). The same goes for standard D&D, the same goes for most games. Unless you're playing some utterly insanely-ultralight game, there will be times you have to stop and look up shit in the books. 
It may be a little more frequent than in D&D, but its not a terrible lot; at least not if your players have access to the tables for their own spells.

But if this still doesn't convince you, I have another answer for you: There's an app for that. The Crawler's Companion is an absolutely awesome, free resource, that you can put into a laptop, tablet, and I don't know what else, that revolutionizes game play. 
It has a dice roller, a really great one, so you don't need to worry about the "funky dice" anymore.
It has all the spell lists. It can roll for you, or you can do the roll and look up the results.
It has all the crit charts, it has the fumbles, it has deity disapproval, it has corruption; all of them available to be rolled or in lookup mode.

And it has quick rules-references.

So even without this app, I think there was little cause for the kind of alarmism we hear about how "complicated" DCC is. I think that almost anyone making such a claim hasn't actually played it.
But if you have the Crawler's Companion; your game will run faster than it would with any other edition of D&D. Its that simple.

RPGPundit

(originally posted March 6, 2014)

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

DCC Backstage Chatlog, Volume 25, part 1

Here's some more of the ongoing Facebook chat for our DCC group! 


Bill:
I wish I had Choking Cloud now to get rid of all the fucking chirping birds that keep me from sleeping
And the dog is bloody dreaming loud, probably about some bitches. Fucking city and its birds!
Among other shitty things, like those stupid tree species with that fucking sap that drops on the car, the irregular curbs that scratch the fenders.
The messy sidewalk, the Baghdad pavement, the unruly drivers.
The careless contractors and their senseless ways.
Breathe and count till 10.

Pundit: LOL. I woke up this morning at 11PM. I'm just having my afternoon coffee now, at 5:30am. I'm a wizard. Time has no meaning to me.

Bill: Unless you are waiting for a cab
Time has no meaning to billionaires either
Too bad I am neither

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: I'm fairly sure that 11pm does not constitute "morning"

Bill: Morning is when morning is.

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Look at my horse 

Pundit: Yes, I had no idea about that video, until I found out about it while preparing this blog entry. You guys like some truly weird shit...

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Like playing DCC with you, for example.
We are sick sick people.




Pundit: The thing about the DCC game is that it features a lot of innuendo, but almost no actual smut. It's somewhere between PG-13 and R rated.

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: We don't want to have problems with the network.

Muu: Oh, so the face was 26th president of the USA Theodore Roosevelt.
I guess South Dakota is kinda of a Shithole

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Bill finished his side quest.
He can go side-questing again in like....10 minutes.
He can do 3 or 4 sidequests in a row, but after, he needs a nap.

Bill: Bill is feeling his company undesired, lets hope Bill does not undesired​ you company in the Shit Hole too

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Bill company is, much like Bill itself, a necessary evil.

Bill: At the end of the day, you always need an asshole

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Quite.
No one else knows more about shitty situations.

Bill: Having been in/creating shitty situations does not certainly make you a good referral to avoid them

Muu: Well you know that saying, in the Shithole the asshole is king.


Bill: Bill's kingdom!


---


RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + C&D's Chestnut

Monday, 16 January 2017

Break Monday: The Mysteries of Belief Edition

This is just a crazy trippy exploration into how devotion works.

What happens if you pray to the wrong thing by accident?
Can you just make up a god?
If a guru is fake can the students be real?
And what do Archetypes have to do with all this?

All this and more gets... well, maybe not "answered" but discussed in an interesting way in my latest: Is There Such a Thing as "Belief-Fail"?

Check it out, and as always please share it!
RPGPundit

Sunday, 15 January 2017

Wild West Campaign Update: The Train Robbery



The new year starts out with a bang in Dodge city.  Newcomer to town Tom Martin (a PC) arrives with the goal of finding himself some kind of job in town other than his old job as a telegraph operator. However, immediate needs supersede the rest, and he almost immediately gets work.. as a telegraph operator. The town was managing with only one, a Russian named Kerensky, and he was desperate for an assistant.

Martin's first task is to take an urgent telegram to the Sheriff's office. It turns out that Dirty Dave Rudabaugh is up to his old tricks. Only months after getting out of prison, Rudabaugh formed up a new gang and proceeded to steal a Pacific Railway train.  The gang had apparently made their way back to Ford county and then split up into two or three groups.



Bat Masterson is Ford county sheriff, but he has no interest in actually doing any sheriffing outside of Dodge City unless he really has to. So instead he gets his deputy, Bassett, and Jeff Young (a PC) and Wyatt Earp (who are deputy town marshals under his brother Ed Masterson), to lead the posse in his place.
Young will be in charge of the group heading north toward Hays city, and takes a very motley crew with him, arranged by Bat Masterson.  Dirty Dave is Masterson's friend and part of the gang of ruffians who hang out at the Alhambra saloon. He figures that he can probably get Dirty Dave to surrender himself if most of the posse consists of friends of his. So he makes Young take Kid Taylor (a PC), Dave "prarie dog" Morrow, Kinch Riley, and John Joshua Webb.  Young for his part also decides to take Miller (a PC), and Tom Martin ends up tagging along as well (secretly, Martin's real ambition is to end up working as a journalist like Mark Twain, one of his main motives in joining the posse is in the hope that he can make a good story out of it to sell to his hometown paper in Philadelphia).

(Mark Twain, 1878)

Meanwhile, Wyatt Earp picks his team: Hale the Mormon Gambler (a PC).  That's it. Earp prefers to travel fast; he takes Hale with him because he knows that while Hale is no great shootist or outdoors-man he's reliable and loyal. And also because Earp hasn't got Doc Holliday for a partner yet.  The two men set out that night for Wichita, where the other group of robbers are said to have gone.

Both parties head in their respective directions, largely encounter-free for most of their trips. Along the way, the Young team try to check out some buffalo-hunter shacks that they knew Dirty Dave was aware of, to see if he was hiding out there, but there was no sign of habitation. They should have known better; someone like Dirty Dave, full of freshly-stolen loot, was not going to go hide in a hole in the ground.
They later made their way to the small town of Larned.  The sheriff there was an old friend of Deputy Bassett and he told the team that apparently Dirty Dave's group had broken into two parts again, and they were somewhere in the area but he had no idea where.


("Prairie Dog" Dave Morrow)

Prairie Dog Morrow and Kinch Riley knew an old friend in the area, a gold-prospector named Frenchie. Along with Kid Taylor they went to visit the crazy coot, and all of them got drunk on Frenchie's "recipe" of moonshine.  At some point, Prairie Dog recalled that there was a town full of french-canadian descendants nearby, called Lacrosse, which had a secret brothel with a prostitute Dirty Dave had once been sweet on.



(Frenchie)

That same night, Miller, Martin and Young ask around town to see if there's any locals who know anything.  They find out there's a young ruffian in town by the name of Tom Daley, and go looking for him in case he's heard anything.  He turns out to be a teenager, the disgruntled son of the local blacksmith. Miller finds him first and fakes being an outlaw, claiming he'd followed the deputies into town. He gets the name of one of the outlaws from Daley, and learns that the Dirty Dave gang had in fact passed through here briefly on their way to the train robbery, but had not come back this way. He then warns the boy that Jeff Young is looking for him (much to the pleasure of the PC portraying him, Young's Fame score is now high enough that Tom has actually heard of and fears him).
Daley finds his way to Young, asks for a reward in exchange for information. Young threatens him with a brutal beating if he doesn't talk and the boy folds like a bad hand of poker. He names Ed Morrison as the outlaw he knows, and tells him Morrison had told him to go find him in Wichita after the train robbery.  Young gives the boy $5 and a warning never to find himself on the wrong side of the law.

The next day Young's group get to Lacrosse, and send in Martin (the only person in the whole posse that Dirty Dave wouldn't be able to identify on sight) into the secret brothel.  Once inside Martin confirms that Dirty Dave and one of the other outlaws are in the building, but that two of the other outlaws are also in town in some unknown location. Martin retreats back to the posse to pass on this info, and Young and Bassett decide they'll try to go in alone to apprehend these two outlaws, while the rest of the group stays out on the street keeping watch.  Dave and the other outlaw are in separate adjoining rooms. Bassett and Young break through the doors at the same time.  Young had burst into the room which had Dirty Dave, and was surprised to see John Joshua Webb (who had snuck away from the rest of the posse) in there with him. For a second he thought Webb had betrayed the group, as Dirty Dave was standing, dressed and armed. But as soon as Young burst in, Webb sucker punches Dirty Dave and knocks him to the ground, disarming him.  It turns out Webb snuck in and tricked Dave, in order to save his life.

Bassett shot the other man, but not fatally. They leave Kid Taylor there to treat the wounded man, while Dirty Dave quickly expresses a willingness to help the posse catch the rest of his gang as long as he gets immunity.
They make their way to a shack at the edge of town where the other two bandits were hiding. One of them is a man named Edgar West, who won't turn himself in without a fight (according to Dirty Dave).  Bassett and Young approach from the front door (with Kinch Riley on ready on the other side of the street with his hunting rifle), while the rest of the group guards the back entrance in case the outlaws try to flee.
Edgar West comes rushing out the door before the lawmen even reach it, firing like mad at Bassett, but after a failed shot from Young (he got his gun stuck on his sleeve), Bassett hits Edgar, and then Young drops him with his second shot. Kinch Riley, having been promised blood, shoots Edgar dead when he's down.

The other outlaw dashes out the back. Miller had been hiding by the exit and tries to pistol-whip him, but the bastard is too fast.  Then John Joshua Webb shows up again, having been hiding behind some bushes. He shoots the outlaw through the head, and then for good measure absolutely unnecessarily cuts open the man's throat with his bowie knife.

At this point, Dirty Dave wants a guarantee of immunity. The deputies send a telegram to Dodge, and Bat Masterson agrees (unsurprisingly, given that Dirty Dave is a friend of his). It turns out there's two men in Wichita (Ed Morrison and Tobe Driskoll), and two others who'd headed right for Dodge.  The Masterson brothers apprehend the latter two.

Wyatt and the Mormon Gambler get to Wichita and find out (via telegram) the names of the men they were after. Wyatt had been Sheriff here once, before the town got too tame for him, so he tracks down a local ne'er-do-well and beats him until the man confesses the location of the two outlaws. Turns out they're with Large Marge, a local prostitute who was apparently of Wyatt's acquaintance.

They head over there and trick Marge into opening the door for them, usher her out and sneak into the back room. Ed and Tobe had been hiding out there and when Earp bursts in telling them to get their hands up Tobe does so immediately, but Ed reaches for his gun.  Earp shoots him, though not fatally, and Ed quickly surrenders too.

In the end, Dirty Dave ends up free and clear and back on the streets of Dodge. Two of his gang died, but the other five were caught and sentenced to prison.

As for Tom Martin, he managed to write his article, and got it published in the papers in both Philadelphia and Topeka, starting his career as a journalist.  In the process, he generated Fame points for everyone he named in the piece.  Suddenly, the other players realized the benefit of having a journalist in the party! He's like an Aces & Eights version of a cleric, only instead of giving healing he generates fame for everyone.

That's it for this time, stay tuned in a couple of weeks for more wild-west action.


RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Missouri Meerschaum corncob + Stockebbye's Bull's Eye Flake